7pm prompt she took to the stage to a musical backing track “Coz I luv you” by Slade.  On came the screen for PAMS’! powerpoint presentation, it was white and read “Batt low >:UserPrompt_BadCommand”

 
PAM! made the mistake of pointing to the screen without looking at it.

 
“The first mistake all networkers make!” she announced with a rye smile. Stifled titters from the audience. “You may laugh” she continued, showing that she was in control of the situation  “but you’d be amazed at how many times I see that”. PAM! flicked her blonde black rooted hair and turned with a flourish to face the screen. “So what is the b………..Oh right! Er…….um, Derek………can you………um”.   The event organiser scuttles on stage and starts to faff around (a technical term) with the laptop on the lectern.

 
PAM! was wearing a lavalier or lapel mic with a radio pack so she could move around the stage.

 
“Do you all have your business cards with you and are SNAP-CRACKLE (Strong Kent male accent)….Car six four. That dippy tart from the massage parlour has asked for you personal, fare to 39 Winston…..WHISTLE……(PAM!)in any situation”.

 
Every audience member is holding a business card aloft, they look puzzled and then gingerly lower their hands.

 
WHOOSH CRACKLE ZAP….(KENT CAB CONTROLLER AGAIN) NO six four cash this time no favours ….PAM! (forced laugh) “Obviously having a few technical difficulties…………….” Suddenly we are all nearly deafened by Slade singing Coz I luv you and the Windows start up chimes. 

 
With a cigarette between his lips and a coffee in his hand a techie walked on stage. His T shirt read “Wheel oil beef Hooked”.   He put his coffee down and removed the mic from PAM! and gave her a handheld one, then he went to the laptop entered something and the Powerpoint burst into life.

 
“er….thank you Adrian” said PAM!

 
“Aidan” he said nodding his head.

 
PAM! Looked at us thoughtfully. “Would you prefer to grow you business organically or leverage it using the power of networking?  Most people ask me in my capacity as an executive enabling consultant which are the best ways. My answer is always the same one thing. Your business deserves the power of levers and that requires initiative, courage, technique and easy to read business cards”.  The point was lost on me as was the powerpoint slide showing a mobile home on a caravan site in Rhyll.  I did an ordinary point, as opposed to a powerpoint.

 
“Sorry, we have a lot to get through so could we leave questions to the end” said PAM! flashing me a great white shark smile.  The slide changed to a couple in their 60’s holding two West Highland white terriers.

 
“Held properly, I think you can all see the impact. Who wouldn’t put one of these in their pockets to use later?”  Derek drops his head into his hands as the slide changes to the image of a drunken girls night out, PAM! looked interesting as a St Trinian’s schoolgirl swigging from a vodka bottle.  Her ample cleavage was bursting out of the white blouse.  “For a business woman, ideal meeting attire, no prizes for guessing where there was plenty of room to keep my business cards” the statement was followed by the experts all knowing, superior nod.  Next slide.

 
“You need to be honest, how do you feel about your potential clients or those in your (makes inverted comas sign in the air with her fingers) network”.

 
“NO!” exclaimed Derek. The audience laughs out loud!  The slide is of PAM! being sick all over a Policeman. 

 
The stage lights go off plunging the room into darkness, the mic is turned off. Aidan the techie thought it best to arrange a power failure.  PAM! a true professional speaker did what any pro can do, find a stage door in the dark and call a taxi home.

 
The TV series was called Under Offer and it was a simple idea that worked. Two teams of celebrities are shown around four different homes and have to guess how much they are worth. The teams sit in the studio and see the properties as video clips, the guide is an estate agent called Piers. He is a liar, a cheat, a showbiz wannabe and mad as a hatter. There were 13 programmes in this series so that meant I had to provide the voice of Piers on 52 different properties. All this was done about a week before we went into the studio to record the shows in front of a different audience for each episode.  Just before one such recording I decided that it would be a good idea to sit in the audience to see things from their point of view. As I arrived and walked across the studio floor, watched very closely by the security guard, Rod the producer was briefing the audience. I passed him and went to take a seat.

 
“Oi! Just a minute Matey! Come back here!” It was Rod, he’d spotted me. I went and stood beside him, he grinned broadly at the puzzled audience who were looking at Rod and an unshaven, balding, overweight man dressed in a T-shirt, jeans and a denim jacket.

 
“Ladies and gentlemen” said Rod putting his arm around my shoulders “you don’t know this man do you?” There was a general mutter of agreement. “This is Philip, man of many voices but you will know him as Piers!”  After the gasps of disbelief there followed some polite applause. It is fair to say Piers was not what they expected, but it was nice to know the illusion worked.

 
So that was the day I became famous? No, not quite.

 
The following morning I arrived at the studio for the recording of the last three programmes. The entrance corridor was the busiest I had ever seen it, audience, techies, suits, celebs going every which way. The only stationary object was the uniformed security guard. Obviously an ex-army warrant officer, he stood in the “at ease” position, what seemed to be at least head and shoulders above everyone else, eyes front, not missing a thing and silent in all the pandemonium.

 
Forget the autograph hunters and the gossip columnists; you know you’re on your way in showbiz when you are able to walk into a building unchallenged by security. But what makes you famous? When you are acknowledged by name.

 
In a busy studio corridor a clear voice delivered a line with military precision, it brought the place to a standstill.

 
“Good morning, Philip” was the line from security.  Three words made that Friday the day I became famous.

 
Do I still do that sort of thing? Well yes, when the fee is “appropriate”. But for the most part I’m happy sitting here in a little former fisherman’s cottage just 30 seconds from the beach and more important to anyone who would like to use my voice just a few feet from my studio link to the outside world.  If I haven’t told you the new phone and ISDN numbers I apologise, the fame must have gone to my head

“Rab, ya see yon fat aul loon. He’s an English voice over”

“Fit’s that?” 

“Ah dinnae ken”

Sums it up rather nicely, don’t you think?